Foreign Steamy Romance

OK, first order of business: shameless self-promotion. Did you know you can be a fan of Foreign Steamy Romance—this blog, not the genre—on Facebook? Well, you can, and you totally should, even if you’re only a fair-weather reader. I’ll wait.

Also, I’m now the San Francisco City Editor for the CultureMob blog. If you just can’t get enough of my writing (aww, shucks), or you want a heads-up on what’s going on in the city, check us out.

But enough about me. I’m about to unveil a new feature on this blog, and in order to prepare yourselves, I recommend watching this trailer for Wild Things (1998):

Awesome, right? I’ve mentioned Wild Things before, because it’s probably my favorite trashy movie of all time. It’s also the perfect film with which to introduce Bad Sex, a feature in which I look at the sex in terrible movies. I’m not talking about awkward sex scenes in otherwise good films; I’m talking about sexually explicit movies that are just all-around awful. I mean, yes, I love Wild Things, but let’s not shit ourselves—it’s a total train wreck.

Warnings: NSFW, spoilers for Wild Things.

I have very little insight to offer when it comes to Wild Things. Frankly, I can’t even explain why I love it so much. Luckily, Bad Sex is not about serious analysis—it’s about pointing out and then mocking the ridiculous. And, in this case, it’s about posting lots and lots of screencaps of Denise Richards‘ boobs.

To its credit, Wild Things never pretends to be more than softcore porn. This is a movie with scenes you’d pretty much only find on late-night Cinemax:

Oh, look, two high school girls washing a car.

Ladies, if you keep splashing each other with water, your clothes are going to get all wet and transparent.

Seriously?

And then, of course, this happens. We’ll have to get those wet clothes off, etc., etc.

But when it comes to Wild Things, the scene everyone remembers is the Matt Dillon-Neve Campbell-Denise Richards threesome. When I was 12 and heard my friends’ older siblings talk about this cinematic masterpiece, it sounded like the height of erotic entertainment. Then I finally saw it. I remember thinking, “This is it?” Saying I was disappointed would be putting it mildly. Watching the threesome scene now, however, I’m struck by how delightfully tacky it is. I couldn’t care less that it’s hilariously unsexy—for a mainstream movie, this is about as bad as bad sex gets.

“Guidance counselors get to find out all sorts of interesting things.” Possibly my favorite line in the entire movie. And really, there are so many to choose from.

Things not to do during a threesome: force your partners’ heads together. First of all, rude. Secondly, ow.

More than any other image, I think this captures the full trashy extent of this glorious sequence. It’s actually a foursome if you count the bottle of wine.

I love this.

Well, you can’t let that go to waste.

I’ve probably posted all the necessary threesome screencaps at this point, but can we all just take a moment to LOL at the face Matt Dillon is making here? Sneertastic.

I’m including this because I think it’s convenient that Neve Campbell always takes her top off at the end of the sex scenes, without ever facing the camera. Because Neve Campbell is a lady.

Wow, I am having way too much fun with this. Can I just write about bad sex in bad movies all the time? That foreign shit is so damn serious.

I’ll leave you with a bunch of gratuitous screencaps from the thoroughly absurd catfight-turned-lovefest pool scene. If I haven’t convinced you to rent (or purchase!) this damn movie already, I give up.

Fierce!

Fiercer!

I love how this goes from some light slapping to actual attempted homicide. She tries to drown her! Who does that?

And then there’s finger sucking. Can you tell that this scene is going in a different direction?

Ah, there we go. Incidentally, the delightful final twist at the end of Wild Things reveals that Kelly (Richards) and Suzie (Campbell) are actually related. Yay, incest!

And the top comes off. Another fun side note: Ray Duquette (Kevin Bacon) is totally filming the whole thing from a distance. Voyeurism FTW.

Naturally, once Neve Campbell starts getting naked, the scene ends. I’m not complaining—I’m just saying it’s predictable.

And there you have one of my most frivolous blog posts ever. I promise I’ll at least try to write something more substantial next time. Can’t promise Denise Richards boobs will be involved, though. Until then!