Foreign Steamy Romance

Funny story: I couldn’t use the original French poster for Anatomie de l’enfer (2004), because it shows a topless Amira Casar, and I put all NSFW images below a cut. Less funny: I became physically ill while watching this film. But let me back up a bit. Ever since I read about Anatomie de l’enfer in The X List, I’ve been determined to watch it—despite the fact that I was sure I would absolutely hate it. And, of course, I did. It’s pretentious. It’s revolting. It succeeds in shocking the viewer, but to what end? If you read this blog, you know that I’m not exactly prude when it comes to my viewing tastes. I’m not made uncomfortable by explicit material, but I’m annoyed when it’s thoughtless—gross for the sake of being gross. Anyway, my point isn’t, shame on Catherine Breillat for making such a morally reprehensible film. It’s, shame on Catherine Breillat for making such a piece of shit.

Before I show you what I mean, allow me to explain the, uh, plot. Casar is the woman. Italian porn star Rocco Siffredi—who looks like the love child of Hugh Laurie and Jean-Claude Van Damme—plays the man. For vague reasons involving women being totally mysterious and men being total dicks, the woman pays the man to watch her for four nights. At first, he’s repulsed by her scary vagina, but then he grows to love it. There are endless voiceovers explaining the meaning behind this, except … there isn’t any. And so, we get a series of shocking events, culminating in the moment that actually made me gag. I’m not going to wax philosophical about Anatomie de l’enfer, because there’s really nothing there. Instead, I’ll give you a chance to suffer with me, as I present the ten most shocking scenes in chronological order. You’re in for a real treat.

Warnings: extremely NSFW (including images of self-mutilation), minor spoilers for Anatomie de l’enfer.

I say “minor spoilers” because there’s really not much you can spoil about this movie. But anyway.

Shock #1: The Blow Job.

Not all that shocking in and of itself, aside from the whole full frontal thing. Made more shocking by the fact that it is literally the first shot in the film. I actually think that’s kind of cool, but rest assured things go downhill from here.

Shock #2: The Cutting.

And why does the woman cut herself? “Because I’m a woman.” This is the first time I rolled my eyes. The first of many.

Shortly thereafter, the man imagines this:

I wish it weren’t a fantasy, only because the movie would have to end here if the woman went ahead and died.

Shock #3: The Blow Job Revisited.

Whoa, Italian porn star penis.

The shocking moment actually occurs when it’s over and the woman proceeds to have a conversation with semen dripping off of her lip.

Wipe that shit off. Gross.

Shock #4: The Fingering.

As if the fact that he examines her fluids for, oh, about eight hours isn’t enough…

He goes back for seconds. Meanwhile, we hear all sorts of delightful squishy sounds.

Shock #5: The Lipstick.

That’s how you give someone a yeast infection. I mean, there are other ways, but this is certainly one of the most creative.

Shock #6: The Tasting.

Yeah, that would be menstrual blood. I really have nothing to say. Except, of course, nom nom nom.

Shock #7: The Rake.

There’s some debate over whether he shoves this thing into her vagina or her ass. Either way, I call bullshit (no pun intended). Even if he were able to get it in—without lube, I might add—what kind of superhuman pelvic muscles would be required to keep it stuck there through the night? Also, ow.

Shock #8: The Tampon Tea.

Add one (1) used tampon to one (1) cup of regular water.

Serve and enjoy!

Shock #9: The Stone Dildo.

Yeah, I screamed. I’m sorry, but that is not a dildo. It is a monster. Furthermore, any woman who can insert that into herself and push it right back out with ease has probably had no less than 16 kids. Rough estimate.

Shock #10: The Big, Bloody Finish.

And this would be where I lost it. The man pulls out and a whole lot of blood comes with him.

Naturally, his penis is dripping (note the drops!) with grossness.

Which he then decides to use as lubricant.

I mean, what was he supposed to do, let it go to waste? (BRB—throwing up again.)

And that’s not all. I didn’t include screencaps of the stomping of the baby bird, because I’m an animal lover. Nor did I include any of the naked little girl, because I’m a lover of not posting child pornography. (Slight exaggeration. Do I think Breillat should be arrested? No. Did the scene make me very uncomfortable? You better believe it.)

On the one hand, I hate, hate, hate Anatomie de l’enfer. On the other … actually, I hate it on both hands. But at least I was able to share the experience with you, readers who will probably never visit my blog again. It’s like paying it forward, but with queasiness instead of good deeds. Don’t forget to show all your friends!