Foreign Steamy Romance

Ah, the new year. At times like these, I can’t help but feel nostalgic. So nostalgic, in fact, that I went on YouTube in search of this clip:

That would be the opening titles from 1999’s Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me, in case you couldn’t tell from the … uh, titles. I include it here because it’s a great example of the state of the male member in American film—completely non-existent. OK, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. The penis does pop up from time to time (pun intended), and the dick-covering dance in Austin Powers is clearly a gag. But you know what I mean. How often have you seen full-frontal male nudity in mainstream American cinema? I’m not the first (or second, or eighth) person to spot this trend, so I’ll spare you the whys and wherefores. However, I do think it’s worth noting those moments when a penis does—forgive me—penetrate the relatively conservative films of the USA. I’ve come up with four primary reasons, in descending order of popularity.

Warnings: NSFW, spoilers for Wild Things.

I can’t believe I just had to include a spoiler warning for Wild Things. If you haven’t seen that ’90s classic already, I urge you to rent it immediately. It is amazing(ly bad). Anyway.

1. Humor.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is a very funny movie, made even funnier by the fact that Jason Segel shows off the goods. The purpose of this scene isn’t to arouse but to amuse. Not only is Peter getting dumped—he’s getting dumped naked. (Schadenfreude always brings the LOLs.) By my assessment, the most common penis in mainstream American film is the “haha penis.” Because, when you get right down to it, we all still giggle at the dangly bits.

The following examples are from Another Gay Movie, which is actually an independent film. I am including them for the sheer WTF-ness.

I love that it’s still sizzling. Yeowch.

On second thought, this is more terrifying than it is funny, but I can’t think of when else I’ll be able to use the image. Maybe I should just close all posts with it?

2. Shock.

Surprise, it’s a penis! Or, in the context of Wild Things—surprise, Kevin Bacon is actually one of the bad guys! Bacon’s bacon (you see what I did there?) heightens the shock of the scene. The seemingly noble detective has been in on it from the beginning; he’s in league with Matt Dillon’s sleazy guidance counselor. Also, he’s naked! It’s like an extra plot twist.

Shock can also work differently, as in—

“OMFG, it really is that big! Color me shocked.” Of course, that’s not actually Mark Wahlberg’s penis on display in Boogie Nights. If it were, he’d have to tape that monster to his thigh to avoid tripping on it while walking. It’s seriously inhuman.

3. Freudian anxiety.

Hate to get all Berkeley on you here, but I calls ‘em like I sees ‘em. Sometimes the most powerful penis is the one that isn’t there. In Silence of the Lambs, Buffalo Bill creeps the audience out because his manparts are tucked away. Well, that and the fact that he’s a serial killer. According to Freud, castration anxiety is sparked by the sight of a vagina, which represents the absence of a penis. This scares the bejesus out of little boys, who then worry that someone’s going to lop theirs off. Don’t buy it? That’s reasonable. I don’t either. I do, however, think that the absent or castrated penis in movies speaks to a general anxiety that’s perhaps not as easily explained. See also: any number of horror movies involving the penis meeting an ugly end. (Teeth and Hostel: Part II are two of my favorites.)

4. Sex.

Yes, sometimes the penis in an American movie is there for a fun, sexy time. For this I return to Shortbus, a film that hardly counts by virtue of the fact that it’s independent and distinguished by its hardcore sexual content. In general, sex scenes in U.S. films just don’t account for many on-screen penises. (Penii? Ah, the age-old debate.) For full-frontal male nudity in a sexual context, we generally have to turn to foreign cinema, most often in a genre Netflix and I like to call “foreign steamy romance.” Hey, look, we’ve come full circle.

Side note: Um, this is totally unrelated, but the fellater in the front looks just like Chuck Palahniuk. Do you think…? Nah.

As promised.